Top Ten Alternatives To Curtains

Top Ten Materials to replace curtains: a definitive guide, from an expert.

We’ve all been there – staring into the sun from a bare window – too far into the lease to justify making any major updates to your rental unit – but far enough from the end to justify non-action. Let our experts provide you with the best solutions for you.

10: Blankets.
The clear choice for the summer months – those who keep their heavy winter blankets at the foot of their bed are bound to have them kicked to the floor by morning – only to have to bundle, fold, and place them back in their appropriate position. Nail them to the window frame! keeps the sun out in the morning, and if you’re a deadbeat who’s really willing to compromise – keep them up all winter long to act as a barrier between you and the chilly winter drafts!

9: Old Posters.
Want to re-live how awesome you were back in your college days, but are self-aware enough to know that posters are for idiot teenagers? Dig them out of the closet, and tape them up on the windows! Belushi, Scarface, The Godfather – they’ll all be there! Everyone, both inside and out, will know for sure what movies you most identify with. Party on, Wayne.

8: Newspaper.
Nothing will show your support of this dying industry like lining your windows with them! All of your guests will know that A) you believe in the value of traditional media B) you’r eco-conscious C) you’re going to be a very valuable asset at bar trivia this Tuesday – you’ll be getting an invite in no time.

7: Notebook Paper.
Not as classy as the former option – but just as effective. Cheap, functional – and provides beautiful diffused lighting. You’re going to look extremely academic – especially if the pages are scrawled with your angst filled poetry. Go get ‘em Matt Damon!

6: Tin Foil.
Compete for the trashiest neighbor award with this creative embellishment. Seriously, nothing says ‘meth den’ louder than reflective sheets of aluminum emblazoning your window glass (outside of Walter White hanging out on your lawn in his undies). You’re going to lose a bunch of friends with this one – but you can fill those gaps in your social circle with the squatters that are inevitably going to show up.

5: Cardboard Boxes.
Hoarders have the right idea – stack piles of crap in front of every possible entrance – not only does it display all that cool stuff you’ve collected over the years, but it serves as an excellent blockade against nefarious intruders, or any chance of hope.

4: Paint.
Face it – your slumlord has painted your windows shut anyway – why not just take it to the next level. Many well known artists got their start painting on mirrors – and you can hop right in to fill that niche. This way – when you’re trapped in your apartment while your building is on fire, you’ll have a wonderful memory to reflect on as you slowly drift into unconsciousness while the property owner collects an insurance check. So grab your brushes Picasso, today you become an artist.

3: Wooden Boards.
Boarded up windows may seem a bit out-dated and Katrina-esque – but will totally have you prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse, or race riot. The easiest way to say ‘shoot first, don’t eat brains ever’ without even uttering the phrase. Remember to leave a gap large enough to accommodate variable caliber gun barrels – but small enough to keep the vermin out.

2: Confederate Flag.
People actually do this. Seriously. Not a joke. in 2014. Still.

1: Human Skin.
Tanned, stretched, and stained – nothing like a nice, taught, well prepared people leather window shade. Hannibal Lecter himself would stop over on a weekday just to play that sucker like a tambourine. And for anyone who may be confused – that’s a great thing.

Hope this helps save you a boring trip to the Jo-ann’s – and offers some insight into what type of personality lives inside of you. If any of these solutions actually sound good to you – maybe we can hang out on the weekends. My schedule is pretty full – but i can squeeze you in!

Stijn Derksen – A weird name.

I think this name is weird. how do you even pronounce this? why is the name so popular? These kids’ parents must have been on all sorts of drugs to have popped these guys out and slapped that name on them. Stijn? really?

weirdos

Planet of the Grapes – Dawn of the planet of the apes parody CLICK BAIT!

ALright – it’s not exactly click bait if it’s posted two weeks after it opens – but people are saying this is the greatest food related parody of this movie YET! i’ve been very busy trolling the web – so this is all i’ve been able to supply the internet with. Have fun. Enjoy. Prosper in spite of your pain.

Animation Reel – 2013

I don’t know if this should be considered my reel for 2014, or my reel up to 2014. As i’ve never really created a reel before, these are the issues i face.

So – check it out, most of this stuff is familiar if you are aware of my work. If not – you can check out more of this stuff at youtube.com/arnoldbenedict or youtube.com/ctnmvh

Benjamin Crutcher – Animation Reel 2013 – Stop Motion and 2d from arnold benedict on Vimeo.

The music used is from one of my favorite bands The Underground Railroad To Candyland – and you can hear the song on track 13 of the album that is linked. If you like it, support them by buying something! They’re a bunch of cool dudes with habits to support.

And so am I! – if you know of anyone looking to collaborate on something like you see above – and understand my relative skill level (willing to learn for food) – hit me up and we’ll talk
downinthewell@gmail.com

Arnold Benedict Doesn’t Interview: Kyle Gass (of Tenacious D)

I Recently got a chance to ‘open’ for The Kyle Gass Band’s official halloween bash at DiPiazzas in Long Beach. Everyone there had a great time (with the exception of one young lady who took offense to my wearing a found scarf on my head like a turbin. Not out of cultural disagreement – but because she thought i was stealing it from her. i swear the top of my head is way more visible than a lost and found, as she suggested – drunk bitch).
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After KG kicked off his high heels – i was (not) able to sit down with him after the show and shoot a little shit. this is how it (might have) went:

Arnold Benedict: Hey, did you see our show tonight?

Kyle Gass: were you on the Sopranos?

AB: no. we were the opening act toni-

KG: it was a joke – but, no, we were running late and ended up unloading during your set. but i hear you guys were great.

AB: we were pretty good for a last minute replacement – any chance we can open for you guys on tour?

KG: we’re not going on tour any time soon

AB: but, if you were – could we open for you?

KG: i don’t think we have any tour plans in the future – not right now at least

AB: but if you were

KG: i haven’t even seen your band! there is no tour!

AB: it was a halloween show – you were dressed as Lori Beth Denberg

KG: Who?

AB: Lori Beth Denberg – she was on the show ‘All That’

KG: I might have missed that one – i was just wearing a wig and dress, i was dressed as a woman

AB: the show was on Nickelodean

KG: Yeah, i might have seen it at some point, but can’t really remember any details

AB: did you watch a lot of Nickelodean?

KG: not too much – some ‘Ren and Stimpy’ i guess, i think that was on Nickelodean, right?

AB: this has been some vital information

KG: that i’ve watched Nikelodean?

AB: it was what she said in the show

KG: ‘Ren and Stimpy’?

AB: ‘All That’…were you Roseanne?

KG: are you just naming heavy women?

AB: I think you looked a lot like Lori Beth Denberg, i just guessed Roseanne, but you don’t really look like her.

KG: I did watch Roseanne

AB: i liked when Dan got hit in the head with a wrecking ball

KG: yeah, i remember that episode – it was pretty emotional

AB: i think he would have died, right? if he got hit with a wrecking ball, in the head?

KG: i don’t know – he didn’t

AB: even with a hard hat on, a wrecking ball is pretty heavy

KG: yeah

AB: would you ever go on tour with Miley Cyrus?

KG: i don’t think we share the same audience

AB: what if she asked you?

KG: i guess so – we might have to change some of the lyrics

AB: she’s getting pretty sexual now

KG: yeah, but isn’t she like – seventeen?

AB: oh…

[silence]

AB: you played the flute…

KG: i did

AB: that was fun

KG: i think so

AB: hey – the other guys didn’t wear costumes

KG: yeah, we were running a little late – they tossed on some wigs and called it good

AB: i wore a diaper

KG: is that a ‘Manchild’ reference?

AB: uh…

KG: we have a song called ‘Manchild’ – it’s the name of our album

AB: …

KG: it’s on this t-shirt i’m wearing

AB: oh, no – i poured ravioli in it

KG: ok.. i think i’ve gotta close out my tab

AB: hey, here’s a DVD – it’s the first season of a sketch comedy web series i helped make – it’s comedy

KG: i like comedy

AB: cool, so you’ll watch it?

KG: sure, first thing when i get home

and there it is – full and uncut. You can find out all sorts of stuff about the Kyle Gass Band (wait…KGB!? WHY DIDN’T I REALIZE THIS!?) on their official site:
The Kyle Gass Band

You can find out more about the Klepto K Project (the opening act referred to in the interview) at :
The Klepto K Project

and you an find out more about the comedy DVD at:
The Craig T Nelson Mandela Variety Hour’s Youtube Page!