The scene is the same every time, you get off work after a long day of email correspondence or hole digging and you finally get the opportunity to belly up to the bar with the finest of assorted beverages. You take a glance around the bar and notice a similar crew of people. All is well….until you hear that sound….you know the one….that tell tale ‘ooga ooga ooga ooga’ of Bon Jovi’s mother fucking ‘Livin’ on A Prayer’ and before you’re able to seek out a fork for which to stab out your own ear drums, you see that obnoxious girl slip another five bucks into that machine and hits ‘AA-31′ and you know that’s a Pink song…..you don’t know which one, and you don’t care…you just know you’re going to hear it over, and over, and OVER again and it’s going to be a LONG night.
There’s an easy way around all of this aural punishment, and that’s simply a good ol’ fashioned jukebox bully.
What’s a jukebox bully you ask?
It’s the ancient art of dominating the jukebox from the second you walk into your drinking location of choice to the second you leave [and to be a REAL bully, a significant amount of time that extends long AFTER you’re gone].
One drawback from bullying the jukebox is the cost of such a devastating move. With the new internet jukeboxes becoming the norm, playing song after song can get quite pricey [up to two dollars a song in some spots!]. But this list isn’t about how to throw dollar after dollar down the black hole that is the jukebox, it’s about spending that money on a much worthier cause….shots of wild turkey for me!
So here is a list that I have pieced together that outlines selections you can use that will not only bully the jukebox on a budget…but it’s also not going to piss everyone off within ear shot [immediately at least…]
Your ‘Bang For Your Buck’ Jukebox Bully List:
Money For Nothing – Dire Straits (8:27)
A jukebox standard about working class musicians. Anyone who plays music can appreciate this classic on both the superficial and much deeper level.
L.A. Woman – The Doors (7:49)
A sweet jam from The Doors, this one particularly useful if you’re slumming it around Los Angeles….but in this [and every] case, any Doors song will do since they tend to be crowd pleasers…and over seven minutes long.
The Mountain Jam – Allman Brothers Band (33:38)
Clocking in at over half an hour and the longest track on the album ‘Eat A Peach’ [and on this list] this jam has some extremely diverse parts that make it seem like it’s only 22 minutes long! An easy to digest jam from a great band [and if anyone wants to bust your balls about it, just say it’s a tribute to the late great Duane Allman as this was the last track he played on before passing away….everyone loves music trivia!]
Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen (5:55)
Find a person who doesn’t like Queen…and then kick them straight in the face, offer to buy them a drink, and then as soon as it’s being poured you drink it. A sing along for those folks who don’t appreciate thirty minute musical interludes and a sure fire way to make friends you never wanted.
Paradise By The Dashboard Light – Meatloaf (8:28)
I’m not defending my musical taste here, if you like some other eight minute song, go ahead and replace Meatloaf. But I’m a fan, and this song is like three songs in one. So if we’re talking about bang for your buck, and being totally kick ass…this often ignored Meatloaf classic is the way to go.
Blue Monday – New Order (7:25)
Now make sure you select the New Order version of this song and not that one by the band Orgy…unless you like getting your ass kicked by a bunch of rednecks. Everyone has feelings, and this is one of the few songs that actually spends time asking about me as a person. And who doesn’t appreciate a little concern every once in a while?
Hocus Pocus – Focus (6:42)
A great instrumental/yodel hybrid. Seriously, strap on your lederhosen and fill up your beer steins, let this classic take you for a ride. If you aren’t singing along, you aren’t drinking enough. Psychedelic mushrooms MIGHT make the bar a little more awkward….but the snakes crawling out of your brain actually do make this song better…and oh yeah…flute solo.
Marquee Moon – Television (10:40)
If you’ve ever found yourself getting into a strangers car while hanging out in a graveyard? Yeah, me either, but for some reason this song can still resonate inside of me. Maybe it’s that subtly hypnotizing bass riff or the tinkle tinkle tink of the guitar, but Television has me smoking cigarettes and slipping off my bar stool half way through this song, and I don’t even smoke. Another song that people will forget they’re listening too…and then three minutes later will be like ‘whoa, is still the same song?’…and that….is good right?
2112 – Rush (20:37)
Is there still room on this list for one of the most epic songs to have ever been crafted? Rush, besides being musical perfection [yeah, i took that from SLC Punk…sue me], kills it with this opus of astronomical proportions.Spacey Synth that you can pop in, sit back, and watch the raging old rockers with the skullets come alive!
In A Gadda Da Vida – Iron Butterfly (17:02)
I’m not going to claim to really like this song all that much. I just know it’s long. And that’s why it’s at the bottom of my list. Because very few people are TRULY going to be able to appreciate this classic, it’s a great weapon to abuse when you’re intention is to LEAVE the tavern shortly. Organ, guitar, and drum solo’s galore make this one hard to digest without a whole lot of LSD or weed. So get real ripped and sit back enjoy the ride….or skip out on your tab and even out your buzz with some Carl’s Jr.
There you go. Choose to use this as a guide for rocking the jukebox for a few bucks, or a short list of selections to specifically ignore while you’re hanging out around me and i’ll quit bothering you.
And remember to tip! unless the bartender is a bitch….in that case, steal olives!
And to provide credit where credit is due, the song that inspired the idea for ‘bullying the jukebox’ is appropriately titled ‘bullying the jukebox’ by the Bouncing Souls….which i couldn’t find an example of on youtube, so you’re stuck googling it and finding a version for yourselves.
Let me know what songs you would pick!
