Google Knows Best

I, as many of you may know [or will find out], do not have the most successful love life. I attribute it specifically to the fact that most people flat out bother me, while most people would find it safe to say it’s probably the exact opposite. If being an unmotivated, lazy, uneducated, drinkaholic with a talking problem is a flaw, then I’m going to have to seriously reconsider my thoughts of selling myself at the pawn shop down the street in fear of collecting dust on the bottom shelf of a display cabinet like so many grandmothers wedding rings.

But my actual or perceived worth is not in question here. I’ve recently discovered what I may have been over looking this entire time in my passive quest for a soul mate: Big Beautiful Women.

Now, we’ve mentioned things like this before in articles like this one HERE but never delved deeper into how that would relate to my personal life. No, it wasn’t until today that Google discovered an untapped wealth of dating potential:
Thousand.Pound.Women.

This is exactly what I have been overlooking in my pursuit of love. Record breaking weight gain is exactly the type of spectacle that could keep me interested for years to come! Now I admit, I’ve always had a thing for thick girls who could rough a cold winter: after all I am from the midwest, and we all know midwestern girls have an extra layer of awesome…but even that never triggered the appropriate emotional response. And still I sit lonely.

Not anymore.

I will no longer lie restlessly on my queen sized mattress at night swallowed up in a sea of blankets, no, I will tuck myself comfortably between the warm folds of my two ton honey as we cuddle in the warm confines of a dump truck bed. Dinners will no longer be lonely nights on the couch picking crumbs off the floor as i squeeze ketchup packets onto pickle spears – but will be spent cramming serving after serving of mashed potatoes down the gullet of my lovely other once she’s reached the satiation point to give her that extra competitive edge, and truly capitalize on maximum weight gain potential. And the love making….ohhh how we will make love…oh..how WILL we make love?…ok…think..I haven’t really thought that one all the way through yet. I’ve seen a few videos on line and know it’s probably possible…but…let’s worry about the important stuff first and that’s the record.

Oh yes! The record will be mine!…err…hers! She will be the largest women on earth, and I, her loyal companion will be swept into the record books! Someone grab the champagne, we’ve got a tugboat to christen!

Thanks Google.

NOTE: The rest of the ARTICLE in case you’re curious