Things I Thought I Wouldn’t Like: Machete

Things I Thought I wouldn’t Like.

A bit of an introduction:

I’m one of those people who hates something (be it films, bands, co-workers, anything really) before i’ve really even experienced it. You know the type, complains about how terrible (insert popular blockbuster action flick here) is going to be, then never even sees it – while continually trashing it. Yeah, i’m one of those goons.

I have recently taken to proactively seeking out these pieces of work in order to dispel the terrible rumors that I’ve been spreading to myself about them. Take, The Rolling Stones for instance. The Stones are one of those bands that I decided early on i would never own an album of.

They’re too old to rock and roll, but weren’t always. They’ve withstood the test of time and deserve a fair shake. There has to be more depth in there than the overplayed radio hits we’ve all been subjugated to after all of these years.

But this isn’t about the Rolling Fucking Stones (it may be eventually, but that was just one of the many examples i could provide at this moment – i hold strong opinions about things i know nothing about).

This is about ALL the things that i thought i wouldn’t like. Beginning with:

MACHETE. A Robert Rodriguez film.

Machete came out in 2010, a few years after being teased as a ‘b’ movie trailer in the Successful Robert Rodruguez/Quentin Tarantino brainchild ‘Grindhouse’ (2007), a double feature directed by each auteur preceded by trailers for terrible sounding movies, one being ‘Machete’. The trailer makes it out to be a crazed immigrant (played by a haggard Danny Trejo( is that redundant?)) with a penchant for hacking people to bits using sharpened blades of steel. The trailers were intended to be over the top parodies of Grindhouse films of old, and I assumed (along with everyone else?) that is where it would end.

Flash forward to Cinco Dey Mayo 2010.

A new trailer goes viral for a full length, fully realized ‘Machete’. Working for a viral web company, i was naturally skeptical. ‘No way, this is just a stunt for the Mexican Independence rally’s that are going on’ (these were beginning to really escalate in Los Angeles at the time, so i feel justified in assuming this was somehow bringing awareness to the issues).

I was wrong. Shortly after, the film came out. I never saw it.

It just didn’t look good. How the hell can a film that was tailor made after a fake joke trailer be good?

Well, i watched it yesterday. Here are the results.

Do you like senseless violence? Do you like terrible, over the top acting? Do you like political activism through low rent film projects? Do you like Lindsay Lohans naked boobs!? because that’s what you’re going to get!

It was fun. I was totally wrong about the movie being crap, because, well, it was supposed to be. It was tongue in cheek, over the top violence and over sexualization of women. Lindsey Lohan gives a predictably terrible performance (fitting right in with the rest of the cast, Cheech Marin

excluded) but shows off her great rack (one time, clearly stated in her contract I’m sure, because there was at least one more opportunity to show off those sweet cans, but alas, even the notorious party girl has her standards).

Was it a good movie? It really depends on your definition of ‘Good’. Was I glad i watched it? Of course! It made me laugh out loud on more than one occasion (one of those being at how unbelievably terrible the dialogue really was, but that counts in my book. a laugh is a laugh) It has a loose political message, or at least is trying to, while it does bring up a pressing issue we continue to discuss here in the border states.

And did i mention lindsay lohans boobs?

It’s a star studded cast (including Robert De Niro, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, and Jessica Alba), with Typical Rodriguez film making, it could definitely be less interesting.

Thank you Netflix. My weak Que has afforded me the opportunity to begin a new chapter in my life, and it started with ‘Machete’, a film I would most likely still never see in a theater.

And yes, there are a LOT of machetes being used to hack people to bits, as you would hope.

Overall: opinion changed. I sort of liked it.

BONUS: Lindsay Lohans Boobs (NSFW)