You Too May Be A Female Creeper

Men generally are the ones considered “creeper” in bars and social situations. That fits into the outmoded gender roles we have in this society, but it does not necessarily carry over into the online realm. Things are more equal in cyberspace and with that has come the evolution of the female creeper.

She lurks from dark chat rooms, she has a tendency to say whatever she wants online, she is super forthcoming and not very chaste. She creeps me/men out.

First warning sign; Movies. If a woman has put The Dark Crystal, Labyrinth or the Princess Bride she may be a creeper. Now to be honest in my entire life I have never dated/slept with someone who has not seen and loved all three of these movies, so maybe that is why I hate seeing them in profiles so much, but I really think it has more to do with a twenty-something year old person still holding onto a movie for children and sweetly retarded people. I liked He-man and the masters of the Universe when I was 8, but then I grew the fuck up. I found other movies that suited my adult life and I haven’t seen Dolph Lundgren in a movie since A&E played all the Rocky movies on a saturday when I was in college. You are even more likely a femcreeper if not only do you list these movies, but own them and some sort of memorabilia from them, like a poster or, and I just heard a report about this Dark Crystal handbag with like stuffed dear eyes on it. Be worried if you just read about that handbag and thought “where did she get that”. There are mitigating circumstances however. If you like Labyrinth because you a huge fan of David Bowie’s music and have heard the album Alladin Sane you get a pass. If you like the Princess Bride because it has Andre the Giant in it you get a pass. There is no mitigating factor for the Dark Crystal, sorry.

You may be a female creeper if you mention the same thing 9 times in your profile. For example one girl on OkCupid calls herself Marijuana-Becky or something. At this point I figure that she likes to smoke pot, but if there was any uncertainty that cleared up in her self-summarry which said “I’m Becky and like to smoke weed. I enjoy a 40 and a blunt. I love getting high.” It is creepy to define yourself by your habbit, but even creepier to talk about it three times in the first three lines about yourself. I imagine an IM conversation would go something like this

bradlikesunity – hey

Marijuana Becky – hey yo, I’m getting high right now

bradlikesunity – oh, that’s cool, I like to smoke on occasion

Marijuana Becky – I like to smoke weed when I am awake. 40’s and Blunts!

bradlikesunity – Oh, that kind of funny. How was your weekend

Marijuana Becky – Don’t remember, I was totally high, 40’s and Blunts!

bradmidwest – Yeah I get that, I saw a great movie

Marijuana Becky – Movie. Im watching Half Baked right now and reciting every line to it

bradlikesunity – ?

Marijuana Becky – 40’s and Blunts!

You see folks, you need several personality traits for me to consider you a person. Now Marijuana Becky is not terribly attractive or skinny, but she could be a nice person if only she had found several things she likes instead of one. Also she said in her summary that once you get passed all the getting high she is really a shy person inside. Bullshit.

You are a femcreeper if you describe yourself as shy but have a public profile. Why do people, not just women, think that attributing a negative trait to themselves, especially shy, is a good thing. First off you put your face and information on a website, so it is really unlikely that you are shy. Secondly if you really are shy that sucks. People like to talk and eat and have fun. A date with a shy girl usually is a pretty terrible event.

bradlikesunity – Hey did you like the movie

shygal999 – (says nothing, looks at the floor)

bradlikesunity – Hey did you like the food

shygal999 – (giggles uncomfortably then stares at her dinner plate)

bradlikesunity – Um, what are you up to this weekend?

shygal999 – soup

bradlikesunity leaves restaurant

shygal999 – don’t go . . .

See, not a terribly good first impression. Men like women who talk in full sentences and have ideas. Shyness is not attractive, it is fucking creepy. Low self esteem is a creepy thing to carry around and it does not wear well. Pretending to be shy and have low self esteem shows so many more deep psychological problems that I cant even get into it right now.

Finally you are a fem creeper if you wrote this as the start of your summary. This is completely real folks, hold on.

If I laid my dick out on a key board it would go from A to Z.
Women are stupid and I don’t respect them, I just have sex with them.
I can’t have sex with your personality and I can’t put my penis in your college degree and I can’t shove my fist in your childhood dreams, so why are you sharing all of this information with me?

An 18 year old woman wrote this and then checked out my profile. It was creepy. Over promiscuity is creepy, and so is being bat-shit insane at such a young age.

Don’t be a creeper and don’t write shit like this as well

My name is ….. and I am a crazy red headed stoner chick who is always down for a 40 and a blunt. I always try to keep laughing and be in a good mood. I love to party and smoke the reefer.

Thanks

-authors note, all italicized items are from OKCupid profile summaries. The name of Marijuana Becky has been changed to keep her from other people and vice versa. Yes that is Marijuana Becky at the top of the post