I have a friend, who will be referred to as ‘Eric Skala’. At some point in time, someone was searching the internet for an ‘Eric Skala’ and ended up here on downinthewell.com. (with any luck, that’s how YOU got here too!) So I got curious and I did the same, went over to google.com and typed in the words ‘Eric Skala’. The first thing I noticed (and this will quickly transform into a bizarre rant about Google being the dumbest smart guy in the room) was that Google, instead of searching for what I had instructed it to (since Google is just a series of machines doing the bidding of the people that created it….oh yeah…and a giant corporate entity hell bent on world domination for the ‘good’ of the people) (and i’m going to apologize to the Google spiders that are crawling all over this sending red flags back up to the hive, make no mistake about it – i bow to the Google overlords…now can I please have my legs back?) it decides to instruct it’s shitty ‘instant search’ function to do this:

that’s right…search for ‘ERIK SKALA’!

I believe this to be a travesty of search intuition [full entry]

I’m no Scrooge, I just want everyone to be aware of that. Some of these ‘interpretations’, as I have come to name them, haven’t been full of ‘Christmas cheer’ as one might expect. To be honest, i LOVE Christmas songs, and that’s the main reason why I undertook this project – but – it can’t all be snowflakes and candy canes. Some of these songs can have very ominous and dark undertones that are forgotten about when coupled with a nice set of sleigh bells and a brass section. So, now that I’ve said that, here is my terribly depressing (yet somewhat uplifting?) interpretation of ‘have a holly jolly christmas’. Enjoy.

have a holly jolly christmas – burl ives

a man wakes up, dressed up head to toe in green and red. suspenders, elf hat, pointy shoes and all. he is ready for the season, and prefers to be as ‘authentic’ as possible. He jumps out of bed, brushes his teeth, and hits the town…all the while with a tune in his head, and a smile on his face.

as he walks down the street he greets each person who passes with a smile, nod, and a warm ‘hello’. [full entry]

Ohhh to be a kid again! The holidays take on a totally different meaning when you become an adult, so to capture the innocence of being a child again we write from the perspective of a child…catching his mommy making out with Santa Claus.

i saw mommy kissing santa claus – the jackson five

now, i know i’m supposed to be up sleeping in my bed. and i know you told me that santa wouldn’t come if he knew that i was awake sneaking down to share santas cookies. but he did come. and you got to see him mom!!! christmas is supposed to be for the kids, and you know this isn’t fair!!!

ok, so i saw everything..let that be known. So now here are my terms. I have no intention of telling daddy, but here are my demands: [full entry]

Oh, to feel lonely during the holiday season. There’s a cure for that, and it’s made by Smith & Wesson. I’M JOKING!!!! if you can’t laugh at real life suicide statistics, what can you laugh at!? Anyway, after a long weekend, I’m all caught up again.

And to be perfectly frank, I wouldn’t NEED a gun to commit suicide as I believe it’s currently happening – slowly – via daily classic holiday song interpretations.

There’s no place like home for the holidays – the carpenters

every single day i find a new excuse to sit in my empty apartment alone with my cat, illegally downloading the newest episode of that show everyone is talking about so i can finally have an informed opinion about the subject (and as things go, now that I’m finally doing this, nobody seems to be having those conversations anymore…). The connection keeps resetting itself on my stolen wi-fi so i begrudgingly move myself to that uncomfortable position hovering over the sink by the windowsill where i get the best signal. I’d buy my own wireless but with my terrible paycheck and addiction to scratch offs, i can’t seem to find the discretionary income. So i must resort to this sort of chinese acrobat routine to get my fix. [full entry]

A sexy classic that makes me regret never purchasing that Santa costume a while back.

santa baby – Eartha Kitt

Well, to be put simply…women are gold digging whores.

A typical caricature of modern America women is that of the over privileged, over tan, over bearing socialite ala Paris Hilton or any number of the bottom feeders [full entry]