Smelling, if it had nothing to do with taste, would be useless to me. It’s difficult for me to hypothesize how difficult it would be for me to live like that creature featured on all of the most recent Harry Potter movie advertisements (someone help me out here, i understand he’s a bad guy…THE bad guy in fact).
In honor of that film series finally being put to rest so Hollywood can get back to making blockbuster blow em up flicks i present to you this list:
Ten body parts i’d never like to lose (in order of importance)
10. beard. my face would get cold without one.
9. my ass. because sitting has become something i’ve grown to really like. reeeaaaaly like. like an unhealthy obsession with just sitting down. sitting down is the first step to hanging out and playing video games.
8. appendix. you gotta stick up for the little guy. everybody gets this thing removed and just tosses it in the trash as if it hasn’t done anything for the common ancestor we share with the chimpanzee in digesting cellulose and plant matter.
7. fingernails. cuz i like backscratches, and in order to get a backscratch you generally have to give a backscratch…and that aint happenin with little fleshy nubs.
6. hitchiker thumb. cuz i got one and you dont.
5. stomach. eating is awesome. eating food is sooooooo great. i eat when im hungry, i eat when im bored, i eat when the tv’s on, i eat when the tv’s off, i eat when im driving, i eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.
4. kidneys. they make pee. i know liver sounds like a much more important organ to this type of crowd, but it’s my understanding that the liver can regenerate, so i assume if they took it out it’s just going to grow right back, like a disgusting corn on your toe…a disgusting corn that filters all that deadly poison out of your blood.
3. my skin. have you ever seen a person with no skin? it’s gross.
2. my fingers. i love touching stuff. i eat with my fingers all the time. even if you replaced them with forks they could never be as useful as they are right now.
1. my face. i don’t feel like it’s that great to look at, but i’d hate looking in the mirror every morning, and i’d have a hell of a time picking out a facebook profile picture without one.