Why do people keep having these things made? (the 3-D ultrasound images that look like little turd humans, I’m not questioning the creation of babies themselves – i don’t want to sound anti-kid baby here all of a sudden)

Yeah, real cute baby Einstein - but you look like a mud pie.

Does it not look like a child made out of melted fudge? Have you ever played the board game Candyland? Could you imagine giving birth to this thing!?

Congratulations Mrs. Spencer - your baby is a healthy 80's pop culture reference

You could build a pueblo out of this kid.

Conception began during the Green Day set at Woodstock ’94.

Supposedly the technology is much better now, and if you have a descent enough insurance plan – your 3-D ultrasound will look like an actual real infant and not a terrifying Junior Jabba The Hut

But, a world without mud babies is a world i don’t wanna live in.

I was at work the other day and someone sent me this video because they thought it was interesting:

and i said to myself ‘hmm, that is interesting….i think?’. Then i noticed that in the related videos section, there were TONS of these types of videos. So i got curious and began watching them. For easily twenty minutes i was sitting in my office, a grown man watching pregnant women’s bellies grow to disgustingly large proportions, stuffed full of babies. Then i stumbled upon this one:

This chick’s hot! I never imagined a pregnant woman could be attractive before! I just figured they were disgusting and gross the instant a zygote formed [based purely on my high school health class experiences of watching 'the miracle of birth' repeatedly in slow motion]

So i dug a little deeper, and found out that not only can they be moderately attractive, there are entire fetish sites DEDICATED to pregnant chicks! This is a thing!

Right off the bat – for those of you who would prefer dive to straight into the hot and heavy hardcore pregmo action – go to sexypregnant.org and get your fill. [but my favorite bun in the oven related URL has to be 'preggolicious.com']

For those of us with more refined taste – here are a few of the more tastefully attractive pregnant ladies i was able to discover through a little searching – I did the work so you don’t have to:

You should probably get Wild On that.

This doesn't seem right - maybe it's non-alcoholic? I can't tell, i was too busy staring at the hot pregnant chick with a beer in her hand.

Yes it's Britney. No I'm not kidding.

I'm not a huge fan of red lipstick - but i'm not a huge fan of pregnant chicks either. We're willing to make exceptions for everything.

Yeah. This one should have probably been first huh?

Trust me, the rest really aren’t worth looking at. Not to be rude, your babies are most likely wonderful and life really is miraculous – but your enormous bellies freaks me out a little.

And, if you’re looking for something completely tasteless and totally NSFW – go ahead and check out this terrible flash game I found!

Don’t say i’ve never done anything to enhance your lives.

From what I could tell, it happens 0% of the time that I was in attendance, and probably 100% of the time when I am not – at least that’s what my most recent studies have shown. Embedded journalism at it’s finest.

One thing is for sure, I walked from Jack London Square, to the Twelfth street BART station – bursting with Raiders fans – attended the game, and got back to my hotel safe and sound all while wearing a Walter Payton jersey and draped in an enormous shroud of orange and blue fleece emblazoned with the menacing bear logo – snapping pictures every ten feet or so like the tourist I am – and i live to this day to tell you about it.

Although, had i gotten stabbed – you could place the blame squarely on my aunt Debi for making me such a comfortable item to parade around with. So i guess i should thank her for the lack of pneumonia. Thanks!

and now, a short video for you to enjoy.

with any luck, i’ll have another highlight video to follow.

The internet sensation Kenny Brooks has swept his way into everyone’s hearts because of his quick talking, sharp scathing whit, and jive – a whooooole lot of jive.  A true comedian, with his self deprecating racial humor – putting a crooked smile on a face of your typical downtrodden door to door salesman.  The video that you may or may not have seen:

He’s great isn’t he?  But, unfortunately – it appears this is just a thing they do at Advanage (hire broke black youth to invade suburban households with their delicious miracle cleaner)

Advanage Official Website

Or, for the uninitiated

And, while we don’t blame Kenny for getting his hustle on and really trying to make that guap, we are pretty sure he might have been murdered by his brother:

Kenneth Brooks was pronounced dead the next day at 3:45 p.m. at Arrowhead Regional Medical Center in Colton, authorities said.

So, it wasn’t the cleaner that killed him.

Sorry Kenny, your fifteen minutes came a few months too late.

Unless you’re alive – which if that’s the case – still a hack.

Good luck on Leno!

I was watching the movie ‘White Heat’ a while back, and thought they portrayed fighting back in the black and white days as unusually effective and simple.  So I threw this together to share with you:

Things I Thought I Wouldn’t Like

Bridesmaids.

The reason i began writing these was based entirely on a conversation i had with my sister about this movie.  She (like so many other women in the film industry – and comedy) hark it as a ‘landmark film that shatters the glass ceiling’ (a paraphrase and reinterpretation of many of their statements – but pretty accurate) – this film will change the way they’re made!

I disagreed – but upon finding out that i hadn’t really even paid attention to the movie the first time through – the naysayers declared my opinion invalid.  (citing the fact that if the movie couldn’t capture my full attention while i sit on my couch and internet – then it wasn’t worth it’s salt, regardless of who made it)

So i watched it last night with undivided attention.

As you would expect (as stubborn as i tend to be) – my opinion has not changed.  I just can’t watch this film and think to myself – *sigh* ‘groundbreaking’.

Kristin Wiig plays your classic downtrodden yet hopeful thirty something still clamoring her way towards an epiphany.  She is cute, charming, and a passionate ‘every girl’ – totally relateable – finally women can have an honest to goodness role model they can look up to – the loud, selfish, not afraid to fart joke Wiig.

Great.

Yes, the film is touching – yes it has it’s moments where i truly laughed out loud – groundbreaking?  no.

My argument isn’t meant to be misogynistic (at least i don’t think it should be taken as such) -  but shouldn’t something be ‘new and interesting’ to be considered ‘groundbreaking’?  I understand women in comedy don’t get the respect they sometimes deserve (but, as anyone who knows anything about comedy can attest to – ANY woman with a fraction of talent in comedy (and good looks doesn’t hurt either) nowadays gets eaten up by the talent sharks the instant they show promise re: whitney).  Bridesmaids is just a re-hash of bad comedy that has been made so many times before – but, with a woman at the helm.

I understand that this movie wasn’t for ME – and i respect that.  But neither are cartoons, and i more than often LOVE those.

i thought it didn’t live up to the hype (as to be expected) – but that doesn’t mean there weren’t some redeeming qualities.  There are much worse movies out there that i have seen that never would have had the Bride shit in the street while trying on a one of a kind French designer dress.  The roommates were good for a little laugh – but the standout was really Melissa McCarthy who played the rotund ‘Chris Farley’ roll – and she was hilarious in almost every scene she was in – naturally, because that’s why she was written into the film.  The comic relief in a comedy film was the saving grace.

Lucille Ball and Roseanne Barr were ‘groundbreaking’.  They were pioneers of their craft.  They didn’t just decide to map their concept over a time tested template and call it genius.  They transformed the medium in ways that Bridesmaids can never touch.

Listen folks – kick back on a sunday night and watch Bridesmaids.  Laugh along with foul mouthed females telling you the best dick jokes you may have never heard.  Applaud as the soft, sweet smelling facade is peeled away from everything you thought occurs between friends of the female persuasion.  It’s entertaining and irreverent – but the shovels will stay on the shelves.

but maybe i’m missing something.

Have you had your fair share of weird Icelandic people stuck in your fridge today?  No?  Great!

Did you ever stand for hours in a grocery store aisle just staring at the options you have to make your life better, but for some reason you feel powerless to make a decision?  You know Mitchum is great, but does it have anything that Right Guard doesn’t (not since they removed the Aluminum Zirconium Tetrachlorohydrex – and i had a friend that SWORE by it)?  Why am i so petrified by the sheer amount of diversity in products?  And what IS the deal with bottled water?  None of those questions can be answered with this post – but i do feel like a recent experience, in some way, sums it up.

I generally try and take funny pictures and send them to my friends, but sometimes (most of the times)  - these pictures aren’t really that funny.  Here is a small collection of the ones I found worthy of resizing and posting.  Definitely worth the ten seconds it will take to see them (and then quickly UNsee them)

A place ladders shouldn't be: Right outside my bathroom stall

Come on, you know you'd take that picture too! Think about all that HECK!

A bathroom stall at the fair, that doesn't seem all that fair. #fatpeople'sproblems

I SWEAR i saw a cat wearing a pillbox hat, am I just crazy?

Two crappy computers might just be a #brokepeoplesproblems