Top Ten Alternatives To Curtains

Top Ten Materials to replace curtains: a definitive guide, from an expert.

We’ve all been there – staring into the sun from a bare window – too far into the lease to justify making any major updates to your rental unit – but far enough from the end to justify non-action. Let our experts provide you with the best solutions for you.

10: Blankets.
The clear choice for the summer months – those who keep their heavy winter blankets at the foot of their bed are bound to have them kicked to the floor by morning – only to have to bundle, fold, and place them back in their appropriate position. Nail them to the window frame! keeps the sun out in the morning, and if you’re a deadbeat who’s really willing to compromise – keep them up all winter long to act as a barrier between you and the chilly winter drafts!

9: Old Posters.
Want to re-live how awesome you were back in your college days, but are self-aware enough to know that posters are for idiot teenagers? Dig them out of the closet, and tape them up on the windows! Belushi, Scarface, The Godfather – they’ll all be there! Everyone, both inside and out, will know for sure what movies you most identify with. Party on, Wayne.

8: Newspaper.
Nothing will show your support of this dying industry like lining your windows with them! All of your guests will know that A) you believe in the value of traditional media B) you’r eco-conscious C) you’re going to be a very valuable asset at bar trivia this Tuesday – you’ll be getting an invite in no time.

7: Notebook Paper.
Not as classy as the former option – but just as effective. Cheap, functional – and provides beautiful diffused lighting. You’re going to look extremely academic – especially if the pages are scrawled with your angst filled poetry. Go get ‘em Matt Damon!

6: Tin Foil.
Compete for the trashiest neighbor award with this creative embellishment. Seriously, nothing says ‘meth den’ louder than reflective sheets of aluminum emblazoning your window glass (outside of Walter White hanging out on your lawn in his undies). You’re going to lose a bunch of friends with this one – but you can fill those gaps in your social circle with the squatters that are inevitably going to show up.

5: Cardboard Boxes.
Hoarders have the right idea – stack piles of crap in front of every possible entrance – not only does it display all that cool stuff you’ve collected over the years, but it serves as an excellent blockade against nefarious intruders, or any chance of hope.

4: Paint.
Face it – your slumlord has painted your windows shut anyway – why not just take it to the next level. Many well known artists got their start painting on mirrors – and you can hop right in to fill that niche. This way – when you’re trapped in your apartment while your building is on fire, you’ll have a wonderful memory to reflect on as you slowly drift into unconsciousness while the property owner collects an insurance check. So grab your brushes Picasso, today you become an artist.

3: Wooden Boards.
Boarded up windows may seem a bit out-dated and Katrina-esque – but will totally have you prepared for the inevitable zombie apocalypse, or race riot. The easiest way to say ‘shoot first, don’t eat brains ever’ without even uttering the phrase. Remember to leave a gap large enough to accommodate variable caliber gun barrels – but small enough to keep the vermin out.

2: Confederate Flag.
People actually do this. Seriously. Not a joke. in 2014. Still.

1: Human Skin.
Tanned, stretched, and stained – nothing like a nice, taught, well prepared people leather window shade. Hannibal Lecter himself would stop over on a weekday just to play that sucker like a tambourine. And for anyone who may be confused – that’s a great thing.

Hope this helps save you a boring trip to the Jo-ann’s – and offers some insight into what type of personality lives inside of you. If any of these solutions actually sound good to you – maybe we can hang out on the weekends. My schedule is pretty full – but i can squeeze you in!

11. Team of Security Guards.
Stop worrying about who is looking in with curtains, have your own team of jack booted thugs stand armed and at attention in all windows. Most applicable in states with “Stand your ground” laws.
12. Naked People standing in window frame
You’ve eaten sushi off them, now use them as permanent installations in window boxes. Naked servants are as posh as being an American and saying “Posh”. Show that you are artistic with actually creating any art.
13. Walls.
Fuck the sun, I’m a junky. I’m a junky as fuck.