12 Days Of Christmas – John Denver with The Muppets
A breakdown of why these twelve gifts would either rock…or suck:
12. Drummers Drumming : Animal, Buddy Rich, Neil Peart, Stewart Copeland, John Bonham, Mick Fleetwood, Ralph Humphrey, Jeff Porcaro, Terry Bozzio, Keith Moon, Dave Grohl, and Tommy Lee (yeah, that’s right, Tommy Emmin Effin Lee!) are in a room beatin on shit…and you’re going to tell me that isn’t badass!? that gift will totally rock!
11. Pipers Piping: Bagpipes are great and all…and i’m sure they’re appropriate at a funeral or on stage during a Flogging Molly concert…and I know at times they can rock…but on christmas morning, you’re not going to want a pot of boiled haggis and Seamus McClerry breathin into a pig stomach bag and squeezin out that squeal as you sip your morning coffee…this gift is going to suck.
10. There is definitely a lot of potential for this gift to suck, but if you imagine they sprung for the whole shebang and got THE Michael Flatley to show up at your door and produce one of his magical ditty’s…this gift is SURE to rock!
9. Ladies dancing. As long as their ‘shit is hittin the floor’ and i’m not the one ‘makin it rain’, this gift needs no further explanation. Rock!
8. Maids A Milking. Umm, a while back I did a lot of research on breast pumps (don’t worry, it’ll be posted at some point in time, it wasn’t just for my sick pleasure…i swear!!!), and in doing so learned about ‘Wet Nurses’. This gift is definitely going to suck. (unless you’re an infant, in which case, you just hit the jackpot!)
7. Swans a swimming. Have you ever smelled goose feces? One time a goose stole a plastic container of ketchup right out of my hand at the zoo and devoured it in seconds. They’re mean, they’re territorial, they hiss, and most of all they have the grossest looking tongues out of any bird i’ve seen. Suck. Er, wait, this is about swans. Well, if i’ve learned anything about Swans is they’re just the beautiful geese, which means they’ll have a complex. Even more Suck.
6. Geese A Laying. Ok, I completely forgot about this part of the song and am being forced to take back all those things I said about the geese from earlier, I mean, in comparison to the snotty useless swan just swimming in a lake, these geese are doing some real work, and if they piss you off any, just chop off their head and you’ve got a delicious Christmas goose for all of your friends to enjoy! (and if i’ve learned anything from Roald Dahl, these geese might lay golden eggs?) Rock!
5. Golden Rings. They’re gold, and from what the commercials and billboards have been telling me, I can get cash for that. Rock!
4. Calling Birds. Annoying. Teach them to swear at least or something. Suck.
3. French Hens. You can eat those right? Rock.
2. Turtle Doves. Annoying. What’s with all the birds? You can’t even teach these things to deliver messages or alert you when police are in the area. Suck.
1. A Partridge in a Pear Tree. Another bird!? AND some mealy fruit!? what kind of crappy friends do you have that you’re receiving one of the worst fruits and one lousy bird? Nobody ever said ‘Hey man, you wanna come over for the pear feast?’ No! You get invited to a table full of shitty birds you received as gifts that you lopped the heads off, plucked, and then proceeded to stuff inside each other for the most deliciously epic feast of all time! Now THAT’S a gift!. Suck.
Overall, if this was the crap that was left under my Christmas tree this holiday season, i’d tell Santa to save a trip and never come again. I’ll just eat his cookies and celebrate something else. You get gifts at Chanukah right?