25 Days Till Christmas – Classic Song Interpretations

During the last hours of November, I reflected on the past year and realized how little I’ve actually contributed to the landfill we call the internet and have decided to embark on a project of epic proportions [in comparison to the relatively small proportions I have previously embarked on] and will combine my passion for Holiday songs, with my basic understanding of typing in what I would like to call my ’25 Days Till Christmas – Classic Holiday Song Interpretations’ project.  I will be listening to some of my favorites and interpreting them, one a day for 25 days, so we can all better understand their place in history as well as modern day.  Day 1 of the project begins:

an interpretation of ‘do you hear what i hear’ as sung by Taylor Swift

the scene is set in the desert somewhere in the middle east. this is a song about stuff from the bible and things, and that’s where all that stuff happened anyway, so imagine somewhere in the middle of Israel. It’s windy as hell, animals are going crazy with anticipation of the forthcoming storm. animals always have that sixth sense about things and go nuts every time inclement weather, and during the tail end of the Perseid meteor shower there is a lot of extra moon dust and gravity pulling on everything’s brains so you could imagine that everybody is going to be a little nuts at this point.

well, sleeping in a barren poppy field is a tiny shepherd boy. he’s passed the hell out after smoking a shit ton of opium he got off some chinese artifact trader back in town (the good stuff, not those shitty crunchy bits that’ve been going around that tastes like tree bark and sandal wood…but nobody blames him if it was, cuz his dad is a total hard-ass and is always riding him about how poorly he etches his cuneiform, and after all that he could use the break). The boy’s herd of sheep just starts going nuts! he wakes up with a lamb right in his face going batshit and he’s tripping out thinking the sky is collapsing in on itself and starts babbling on like david berkowitz while playing Sabbath songs backwards on his dulcimer because of the crazy message Satan has for him….satan or god…or someone..but he has GOT to score more of that opium before word gets out.

as all drug binges go, this kid gets picked up by the cops after he’s caught sneaking into david the metal-smith’s chicken pen to proselytize to the heathens. he is held for an hour or so and then brought before the king to hear of his fate. the shepherd boy is a hard nosed user and doesn’t take shit from no ‘king’. he’s been taxing the people into starvation and is always sending them on crusades..and for what!? so the boy finally gets the opportunity and the confidence to let the king know what’s what. he goes off about all the poverty stricken kids down town with nowhere to go because their parents have all been suffering from dysentery after living in such squalor. babies freezing in nothing but tatters while huddled in stables, one in particular that he knows by name. his words become jumbled from his drug induced insanity and the guards motion to remove him from the court, but the king stops them. he is now aware that all of the villagers know of his fraternization and bastard children running around the city – fatherless street rats, not unlike Aladdin. stealing bread just to eat while wearing silly little hats and befriending tiny apes.

the king can’t have negative word like this going around, not in an election year, so he decides to send all his best men down and shower the kids, give them clothes, and stuff their guts full of food and riches. the king selects one in particular to raise up on high and praise as our lord and savior to provide an example for all the useless urchins out there that even filthy beggars like them can one day become ‘king’.

and that’s what happened.