A Guest Column – I hate my friends

A Guest Column about summer love by A.N. Owen:

After college I rented a house with three of my buddies and we proceeded to pass the next two years in a drunken, drug induced haze….needless to say, it was lots of fun…anyway..

on one particular night, the usual drinking and merry making had occurred and i found myself entertaining a certain lady friend.  Things were progressing nicely, as things tend to do when fueled by my boozy charm and rugged good looks; until i realized that, if the evening was going to progress the way i would like it to, i was lacking the proper……..let’s say “attire”.

Now, despite the seemingly endless list of disgusting habits that one is bound to witness while living in a house with three other twenty-something males, there is one tried and true rule that will never fail you….there are always….ALWAYS, condoms somewhere in the house…now, this being a rather unexpected roll in the hay, as i said, i found myself unprepared (greatly disappointing my inner boy scout).  So, there in the darkness of my crummy little bedroom, i located some under garments, which turned out to be my lady friends and not my own (this didn’t bother me in the least at the time), and proceeded upstairs with the hope that one of my roommates could help me out.

With a little investigation i discovered only one of my roommates was home.  And it was the most robust, most surly, most grizzly bear-like one of the lot.  And for those of you who are unaware, twenty-something men of this stature sleep DEEP.  They don’t like it when you accidentally wake them up.  And they especially don’t like it when you wake them up on purpose to borrow condoms because you’re getting laid while they’re not.  So i don’t recommend anyone try this at home, and  especially don’t try doing it while wearing nothing but a pair of women’s underpants.

Anyway, eventually, i was able to awaken my roommate.  He was, at first, disheveled, then disgusted, then; luckily, able to see the humor in the whole situation…..but mostly disheveled and disgusted.  I was able to explain myself clearly enough to where he understood how he could make me go away.  He mumbled something about how much he hated me as he slapped a handful of condoms into my palm and collapsed back into his bed.  I offered up the appropriate amount of ‘IOU’s and exited his room with a handful of what i had came for and a head full of all the wonderfully dirty things to come in my very near future.

I rejoined my lady friend with a thumbs up and a “he’s the fuckin man” referring to my roommate.  She and I got back into the swing of things perfectly until i tore open one of the condom wrappers, said “What the Fuck”, and had to turn on the light.

The moral of the story is don’t wake up your roommate to tell him you’re gettin laid so you need to borrow condoms, cause you just end up with blue balls in a pair of panties, holdin a handful of pre-moistened towelettes from Kentucky Fried Chicken……Fuck MY Life….And my friends…but still, nicely done Joe….