A Guest Column

Occasionally, we here at downinthewell consider bringing more members to our small dysfunctional family. Generally, these thoughts are immediately banished with sobriety…but sometimes things slip through and deals are made with various devils. So, while he is no stranger to us personally, he has yet to grace the illustrious pages of downinthewell.com. If you would be so kind, please welcome the drunk, the lonely, the perpetually angry Alexander Nathaniel Owen, and his column: Info Sack.

‘You Better Recognize’ – A piece by A.N. Owen

So, over the years, I have discovered, that I am easily recognizable….most likely it’s the sideburns,
maybe I’m loud, or obnoxious, there’s a small possibility that it cause I’m funny….but doubtful, most
likely it’s the sideburns (people nowadays are too stupid to remember anything else….especially people
from the south)….whatever the reason, the bottom line is…..I get recognized. Seems to happen a
lot….more than it should anyways… Now this wouldn’t be that big a deal except for my heightened
hatred for people, well…..most people….I’ll cut you some slack if you have a vagina….but still…..this
phenomenon occurred the other day when I showed up at a watering hole that I walk to from my own
home….with it being so close you would think I am a regular but I’m not….anyway, that’s not the
point….I walk into the place, belly up to the bar and realize I know the bartender, this excites me…as
well it should, but while I’m waiting for my whiskey and coke, (with lime) a female approaches me and
does that whole female greeting thing that they do with people they know. (apparently this ritual is
preformed regardless of how well they know the person…OR I’m a much bigger alcoholic than I already
claim to be) this woman seems VAGUELY, familiar to me. Now, I can usually fake my way through a
situation such as this, which is exactly what I proceed to do….but this is uncanny…..hugs and “how have
you beens” are exchanged, and to be honest, I half ass my way through the whole painful event because she’s
not very attractive (that’s right ladies, male effort is directly related to female attractiveness, which is
exactly why ugly girls think men are assholes…because they are…..to you……sorry) …..Then she proceeds
to escort me over to her table where all her friends are sitting. (at this point I am unaware if I am
supposed to know these people or not, so just play the drunk guy role and say hello to everyone and
whip out my standard “meeting people at the bar” comments)…another female stands up from the
table, I know for a fact, that I have seen her before……I’m pretty sure she used to fuck my friend who
recently died….at this point, I suppose that will be difficult to determine unless I straight up ask her, and
I think it might be weird to ask a chick I don’t really know if she humped my dead
friend…..anyway…..that’s really where the story ends, except for the fact that the girl who runs karaoke
night recognizes me too…..it’s really awful irritating, I can go to a place twice…maybe three times before
people recognize me…..I really just want to blend into the background of a place….never stand out or
anything, just be an extra….perhaps in an attempt to blend in I’ll get a bunch of awful tattoos, add
several Ed Hardy t-shirts to my wardrobe, and start abusing women, both verbally and physically……