‘How To Buy Breast Milk Online’ or ‘A Single White Males Perspective On Purchasing Used Breast Pumps’

As I was flipping through the pages of a dusty old classified circular picked up from a diner outside of Mojave, CA I noticed a few things: Rent is about as cheap as the dirt the house is sitting on, racing pigeons are all the rage and you can purchase them for ten bucks a pop – certified and banded, and motorized breast pumps are more expensive when you purchase them used.

I’ve never really thought about breast milk much before, being that i was a Similac kid growing up, but this fact came as a shock to me. Why the discrepancy in price between the two seemingly equal pumps? They both come with batteries, they’re both pumping milk out of a human breast by some sort of mechanical means. Sure, one comes with a carrying case, but it’s sending a very convoluted message as to whether it is ‘new never used with the carry bag’ or it’s been used with the battery. How do you use such a battery without using the pump itself? Is this some sort of Hitachi universal Nickel Cadmiun battery that I can use for my power drill as well? And why purchase an electric breast pump yet never use it? My bet is to go for the ten dollar purchase and pump away….maybe after a few squirts of bleach and a good day out in the sun.

Ok, so problem solved right? WRONG! A few questions popped into my head upon finding out that people are buying and selling breast pumps through Penny Saver ads. If desert people are pawning off their used pumps on people, why even go through the effort of pumping it yourself? Aren’t we living in a more civilized state than to have to pump the juices of life straight from our own bodies [speaking hypothetically since the only thing you’d be able to pump from my body is a foul smelling sweat/tapatio mix that would never be suitable for consumption by an infant]?

So how do lazy uncommitted parents [ok, I guess there are some perfectly reasonable medical reasons for some of this too…] go about getting that delicious nectar for their developing larvae without having to squeeze it from their own fruit? Ebay of course!

As it turns out, you can’t actually purchase breast milk from Ebay, apparently it’s against the terms of service or something. And I guess you need a prescription [or at least it’s recommended to ensure you’re receiving high quality, disease free, pre-screened liquid life for your developing infant, and I think in this case ‘recommended’ should really read ‘absolutely required’] in order to purchase from a milk bank. The option of locating a ‘wet nurse’ is also viable, but good luck finding a lactating woman willing to let your little hell spawn latch onto her breast for a nominal fee [breast milk can go anywhere from 1- 3 dollars an ounce!..it’s like white gold!].

Now, I must admit at this point that I’ve delved way too deep into the intricacies of purchasing breast milk, but as natural curiosity I went a step further and wanted to know if there was a ‘black market’ for breast milk, and boy is there!

Apparently, an unregulated market exists out there for women to sell their leftover breast milk [which can be safely kept in ice trays made specifically for breast milk, which can be securely purchased off Ebay] to other women who are interested. The problem is, there are more grown men out there responding to these ads than there are infants, and of course there are women out there that are appalled by this fact. And then, there are the opportunists that are looking for some additional income while they’re bored with child rearing, and are totally cool with getting $1.50 an ounce for something they might just throw away. An average woman can produce 10-15 ounces of EXTRA breast milk daily, and that adds up! Baby’s gettin a new pair of shoes!

Why do men want to purchase women’s breast milk and drink it? Nobody knows. They like the taste? I can’t imagine the feeling they get when they open the insulated fedex package, dry ice steaming over the top as they remove their pouches of nipple nectar from their chilly little chambers. [excuse me while i vomit….something about this just seems unsavory]

So, if you’re in the market for some clean, fresh breast milk for your newborn, speak with your doctor and they’ll direct you to your closest milk bank, collective, or alternately approved location. If you’re a sicko who likes drinking ladies breast milk….just….well….good luck with that.

And most importantly….used breast pumps are always more expensive.

sicko.